I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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