4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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