What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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