You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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