when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
