I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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