I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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