I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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