woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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