You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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