Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
