I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
