what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
