you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
