That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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