her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
