Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
