He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
