the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
