I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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