just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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