If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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