He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
