Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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