He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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