every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
