First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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