Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
