Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
