My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
