nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
