the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
