He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
