is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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