I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
