i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
