im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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