Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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