I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
