My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just googled if crying burns calories
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
