i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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