i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He felt like a one man threesome
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
