The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
