the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
