Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
