i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I AM VODKA MAN
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
