we made out on top of his cat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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