Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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