My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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