He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
