When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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