Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
