Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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