Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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