Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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